2016年9月19日 星期一

I'm Zombie

Do u have this feeling? Felt the world is too big and your own world is small. Same routine repeating everyday and you just can't escape from it. The debts keep on rolling and you just can't stop it. Pathetically, yes. You know about it. Do you felt that you have to keep telling yourself everything will be just fine and it won't change day after days. It's make me sick of it. Someone or friends said you are depress, but any means. You just don't feel their know you, and you don't give a damn! Working just make my life sustainable for live, but i don't want just live. I want do something meaningful and i know i can do better than from my current situation now.

I don't know what I'm waiting for? I looked back my life over 36 years. What i been achieved is nothing. I'm not happy. I don't feel happy of my life. I'm wondering why? I keep on asking myself what i want... Ending up is nothing. No answer from myself since 5 years these question keep on repeating on my head. I start admire someone who have passionate on their jobs, their life, their love even the families.

Who gonna understand me? Even i have a bf, but he don't know me. He don't know why I'm not happy and he don't know what i really want. We seem close and have common topic but we don't really talk. I don't know how to tell him that I'm not happy. It's not about love, It's not about money, It's not about understanding from each others. It's about I don't feel anything on everything. I'm a zombie right now. Beside eating, i have no concern about anything. That's is horrible and i know it. And he keep on asking and concern me about eating the lunch or dinner. That's make me try to ignore to talk to him. I tired to reply the message said I'm done eating, what kind of food I ate every damn fucking day.  Do I love him? I am uncertainly telling myself. i know he can't feel the love coz i don't feel myself instead. I don't know. I just don't know. I need a big change, something can makes my heart beat again. Not only about eating, not just living, something that make myself feel anything. I miss myself and I don't want to become zombie.

Do anyone know? I just don't really smile these day. The only feeling i got is angry to loose on gaming. That's make me crazed. I crushed on the games. I don't want crushed on games. I really don't. My life just suck and i realize it. And i know about it. I don't have much choice to change. Sometime I feel lonely but the other time i need an accompany to hold me, to hug me tight.

Could anyone tell me? Am I sick of depression? I just can't find the way out! There is some strange acted by myself. I yelled while driving! Specially I drove back after gym. I can't reply message that i don't feel want to reply, i scare to reply. People keep telling and asking how r you? I don't feel that in sincerity. Their just bored and just wanna find someone to talk. And after all, their just forget you and act like nothing happened. This is call once in the blue moon chat! And i don't like it that way, that's why i don't reply message.

I'm honest to write this post and i'm damn fucking naked to said it out loud! I just don't know myself anymore. The most scary part is I don't want it and I become what I'm now. The love is gone and I'm a zombie now!